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Day 24 Today was the start of my descent into madness. I basically had a bit of a shock which spiralled into a fastly-approaching-30-year-old life crisis into a “what am I doing with life” “my life is crap” and so on, it wasn’t pretty. I ended up not feeling like myself out all, was pretty all over the place and just felt mentally out of control.
Despite my circumstances (I live in a country which I don’t really like, I don’t know many people here, I don’t have many distractions and I’m unable to get a job and frustratingly I have no idea what to do with my life or how to figure out what I want to do) I’m a pretty positive and happy go lucky person, although I have the occasional annoyances I don’t ever get really down or upset.
So thankfully this occurrence isn’t a regular thing for me, but was a bit of a shock. I had the shock in the morning so after sharing it with a nice online group I underwent the mission of trying to snap myself out of this and functioning like a normal human being again. My first instinct was to dye my hair (I’m such a girl) I thought the change would give me a boost and make me feel more positive about everything, so I planned to go the following day as I had washed my hair already that day and they say it’s best to get your hair dyed on day old hair.
I already needed to go into town so I decided I would use it as opportunity to try and cheer myself up. On the way in I listened to Lady Gaga’s Marry the Night and anything else spirit lifting that I could find; I think when you’re feeling low all you really want is someone who understands or to listen to someone who has been through the whole thing and got through the other side of it, there’s nothing worse then feeling alone in your sadness.
As a treat I bought myself a second hand book for £1.45- I’m on a budget! It was great to get a book that I wanted for so cheap but this didn’t really have the snap-myself-out-of-wallowing-self-reflection which I wanted. So I had a look around and ended up treating myself to some nice food at my favourite cafe. On public transport on the way home I repeatedly thought about how unhappy I am and how much I hate my current situation and constantly had to try and distract myself to hold back the tears.
When I got home my wonderful supportive loving boyfriend had had a really long tiring day at work so unfortunately he wasn’t in the mindset to be a shoulder to lean on so I tried everything I could think of to pull myself out of this- I spoke to a good friend on skype, watched some comedy, very naughtily looked up spoilers for what was happening in the following week for Neighbours (my favourite TV programme) and I NEVER do this- so I must be desperate! None of this worked.
As on day 23 I still had excess energy but wasn’t really in the mood to do a full workout so once again I did Tracy Anderson Connect Arms to try and get rid of the energy.
So after my bf went to bed I had a really big cry and wallowed and dwelled on everything that I’m unhappy with and probably blew everything into a much worse proportion, so needless to say that just made matters much worse.
I crawled into bed armed with Paul McKenna Change Your Life in 7 Days CD ready to play on my iPod to listen to as I went to sleep. I would recommend this CD to EVERYONE! It’s a hypnosis CD which after you listen to you feel motivated, positive, happy and productive actually something you should probably listen to every day.
Day 25 I woke up feeling quite a bit better, definitely due to the “Mind Programming CD” but still a bit teary and low so my mission continued. I got out every single self help book that I own and as it was a sunny day I loaded them in my bag and took them to the pool. I skimmed through the chapters reading anything relevant and after reading various motivating pieces of advice I finally managed to stop feeling like a miserable zombie and more of an enthusiastic person that’s happy to be alive.
Exercise wise I did Tracy Anderson Jennifer Lopez The Thread and Tracy Anderson Daily Candy Upper Arms. Lying in bed, still feeling physically drained from being emotionally all over the place I decided to do a nice nourishing loving yoga dvd to try and repair myself. I did Rodney Yee’s Hip Opening Routine and felt pretty great afterwards and stayed up watching Ellen Hidden Camera Videos and Ellen interviews with Lady Gaga.
Today I still feel better, but I’m not going to ignore the lessons that I’ve taken in since my 2 day mentalness. I’m definitely not content or fulfilled and really need to work on changing that, rather then brushing it under the carpet because I feel better at the moment. I have decided that to start with I’m going to go to at least one class/social event a week where I get to meet new people and I’m going to start doing some charity work to give me more of a purpose.
My days are generally made up of doing my exercise and sitting around on the internet, or occasionally going out to pick something up from town. I think exercise is really important because it definitely lifts your mood and gives you more energy, plus I feel guilty if I haven’t done any for ages, so I’m still going to keep this up but I think I need to have much more structured/productive days to try and make myself happier.
The job situation is definitely a big problem, I’ve applied for countless jobs over here but am yet to get anything and I constantly hear about how it’ll be really difficult for me to get a job because I’m a foreigner so I feel like the odds are stacked against me. I’m going back to England in December until the end of January so I’m going to try and get some work while I’m back to try and make myself feel better.
I think I’m going to do some regular posts on this blog about finding contentment/happiness/fulfilment because although a lot of us may not be concentrating on this because they lead such a busy lives- lives which are full of distractions, ultimately this is probably the most important thing to focus on because deep down the majority of us really aren’t content.
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